Angel's Last Minutes

(Angel's Point of View)

I look up at Collins's solemn face with all of the energy I have in me. I attempt to smile, but it was no use. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t happy. I truly wasn’t happy. All my life I had put on this huge front to makes other people happy but today it was almost impossible to even fake a smile through my swollen cheeks. I close my eyes trying to act like I was sleeping, because sleeping was better than that awkward silence of me being awake and miserable. My heart becomes filled with guilt as I realized that I was just making this worse for Collins by sleeping instead of making the last hours count.
“Collins,” I say struggling to open my mouth through the thick saliva encrusting it.
“Yes, Angelcake?” he whispers so I could hardly hear him over the fan.

I gather up the rest of the strength in me to tell him something to make him feel better, like he matters.
“ I just wanted to tell you that you are always saying how lucky you are to have me, but I can’t help but feel guilty that I have never told you how much you mean to me. Before I met you I used to go home every night feeling so empty inside like I was missing something. Now when I look at you I know what I was missing, love. You have given me something that I can’t say anyone has given me in my life, and I just wanted to make you understand that before I…”
“Don’t think like that” Collins lies, not wanting to be reminded of what the nurses had told him earlier this morning.
“I just want you to know that wherever I go when I die, I will always love you, because Angels have no philosophy but love. When I pass, don’t cry. Smile because you know I will always love you no matter what happens.”
“You were the only thing that I have to live for,” Collins said choked up in a tone that I had never heard before, “and I don’t want you to go without me.”
I hate it when the so-called “tough guys” cry. It shows that they are just as vulnerable as I am, which is the worst pain I have felt since I met Collins.
I felt my body going unusually numb.
Oh no. I tried to hide them all before with my bright smile and optimistic attitude. Now those memories I had learned to push towards the back of my mind. I don’t want to face them. This isn’t fair. I saw all of the pain my life had brought me for the last 23 years. It was like those movies you see where people see their lives flash in front of them before they die. It was really happening…
I saw mama lying in her bed, slipping away before my eyes. I saw my dad’s rigid leather belt coming closer and closer to my bare arm. I saw them dragging me away from my home and into the shelter where I would spend the next 5 years of my life. I saw my ex-boyfriend’s colossal hand swipe across my sensitive face, covered with tears. Finally I saw the subway where I lay in Collins arms, weak and struggling to hold on.
But I also saw the good things; my mother embracing my with her arms that had a faint smell of her cheap perfume. I saw my grandmother, picking me up from the orphanage with a warm smile. I saw Collins, face covered in blood, holding my hand as I went to take him home (where I would have the best time of my life, if you know what I mean). I saw Mimi, asking my opinion on her new lingerie. I saw Mark’s proud glance towards his new footage of Maureen’s performance. All the good memories seemed to overpower the bad memories as I felt myself growing more and more limp.
It was an odd, but comforting feeling, more like the feeling you get when you hug someone you love, or when you look into the eyes of a friend who cares about you. It was a feeling of love, a feeling of fullness, and a feeling of peace with me. I wasn’t afraid to die. I felt like wherever I went I would still have this feeling, forever….
“Angel….Angel?” I heard Collins cry out.
“Yes?” I went to say, but no words came out. My mouth did not move. I tried moving my hand, absolutely nothing. This isn’t fair! I tried to cry, but no tears came out. I wanted Collins to get an answer from me. I was ready to die; just not ready to lose the one I loved. It was too late, I was gone and I knew it from deep within myself. I felt a warm light that took all of the fear from my mind. That was the point when I realized that I would never lose Collins, I would always be with him, no matter where I went.